Facts They Never Told You #3

Okay, so this one is a little gross. You have your warning. But it's SO true.

Years before Lucas was born, we went to the birthday party of one of my wife's friend's children (did you follow that)? Anyway, one of the other parents had a baby who was about six months old. Halfway through the party, the dad yelled, "Uh oh, we got a leaker!" When he lifted the baby over his shoulder, I saw what a "leaker" was. The baby had runny, nasty feces running up its back.

Well, I about lost my lunch. It was SO gross to me. The amazing thing was that the dad LAUGHED as he went to go change the "leaker." I remember thinking to myself, "Perhaps when it's your kid, it's not as disgusting as that."

For the record, the answer to that remark is yes. Yes, it's still just as disgusting. The only difference is that YOU have to clean it, not just look at it and re-swallow the bile in your throat.

Since I have already made clear that Fact #3 is about feces, let's just start at the beginning. When babies are born, they mess with you. Their feces are black and a bit sticky, but they don't smell like anything. Seriously--it really doesn't smell bad. I firmly believe God does this because He knows no one in their right mind would keep a kid if they knew what was coming.

So after a few months, things change. It becomes smellier...and much greater in volume. And no diaper in the world can contain it all. Let me give you a few phrases that my wife and I would mutter to the other in between gagging:

Up his back.

Down his legs.

All over the crib.

Dripping.

To his shoulders and neck.

On my leg.

Covered my hands.

I could keep going, but I think you get the idea. Should you decide to venture into parenthood--or partake in activities that could LEAD to parenthood--know that this IS in your future. The only way to never get immersed in it is to wrap your child in trash bags up to his or her neck, and use a fire hose in a car wash. And trust me here, the car wash employees, other customers, and the police do NOT look kindly upon this behavior for some reason. They like it even less when you reply, "Well, how do YOU propose I clean him without touching it?"

Again, I know this was gross--and trust me, I wish I hadn't LIVED it--but get ready.