Facts They Never Told You #6

This week, it's all about feeling helpless. Have you ever felt completely helpless and useless? No? Well, get used to it!

Here's what I mean. You don't feel well, you pop a few Aleve, or maybe some NyQuil or something, and BAM! somewhat better--or completely better.

Now, your kid gets sick. You are helpless on many levels.

The first level is in the diagnosis. If they don't have a fever, you don't have a clue if they're sick, teething, tired, or all of the above. Even if they HAVE a fever, all you know is that the kid is sick. You don't know if they have a headache, stomachache, cramps, soreness, chills, too hot, constipation, or any random other symptoms. Even worse, who's to say there isn't some other kind of childhood pain and suffering we aren't even aware of? Did you ever think about that? We don't know...and chances are, by the time kids are old enough to tell you what's wrong, they may have blocked out that pain. I mean, their rib cage could be throbbing, or their eyeballs might feel like they are going to burst, or their kidneys might be boiling and overheating their stomach or something. You would never know.

The second level of helplessness is in the cure. That's just it...the only cure is their own bodies. Think of it this way: the next time you have the flu, or allergy flare-ups, or a migraine, or anything...do NOTHING. Tough it out. Because that's what your baby has to do. Yeah, enjoy that.

Seriously. You can't give them anything else but Acetaminophen. And if your baby is 6 months or less, you can't even do THAT. It's a little disconcerting to know that the cure for a headache is the same as for diarrhea. Really, it is kind of comparable to taking a cow, and giving it laughing gas while you carve the T-bone off of it. It still has to be excruciating pain...the gas can't really help but numb it a bit.

It's like when the doctor asks you how much pain you're feeling on a scale of 1 to 10. Baby medicine is like taking a 10 and making it a 9.7. Sweet, sweet relief. Instead of jumping off a building, you'd probably just want to drink yourself into a coma instead.

The third--and worst--part of the helplessness is the ineptness you feel. Your kid is screaming in pain, you've got three hours until they get any more medicine, and you just want to punch yourself because you can't make it any better. So you rock the screaming kid, and say stupid things like, "Sssshhhh...it'll be okay. It's going to be just fine."

So here's what you should do. Take a railroad spike, put it directly through your skull, and have a friend sit next to you and say those same things. You'd probably grab your friend by the throat and say, "No, you moron! It isn't going to be any better! My head is going to explode! If you don't do something NOW to make me feel better, I'm going to turn you into a voodoo doll!" Yeah, that's how your kid feels.

I used to laugh at new parents who treated their babies like they were the kid in the bubble. Hey, if it works...well, those bubbles can't be too expensive, can they?