Facts They Never Told You #2

So this addition is the things no one ever bothered to tell you about kids until it's too late. You know, like when your wife is in labor, and they say, "Oh, by the way..." and they lay some horrible fate that will inevitably occur at some point in your tenure as parent. OR, even worse, something happens, and you are simply floored by events. Then when you tell someone with kids, they say, "Yep. Probably should have warned you about that."

These facts will be twofold in purpose: one, to give you all the facts you can in order to truly decide if children are worth it if you don't have any; two, for those of you with kids to say, "Yeah! Someone should have told me that!"

Fact #2: You become dumber than a "Jersey Shore" cast member due to severe sleep deprivation.

Oh, you don't believe me? You think I am lying when I tell you that you drift from one thing to another, cannot concentrate on a single conversation, and when you look back on the first few months, you don't even remember it?

First of all, you have some nerve, mister.

Second, here's two stories that will help you understand. I am ridiculously organized. I know my schedule for weeks in advance. At my current job, I rotate between two locations--and these locations are nearly 20 miles apart, so it's imperative--when you already are sleeping less than normal--that you sleep every minute you can. I got more than halfway to work one morning, when I realized that I was on the way to the wrong place. It was the first time I had ever--in 12 years of education--been late to work.

Okay, the other one is even more awesome. For awhile, my sister wanted to watch Lucas every other Friday, because she had a very flexible work schedule. So imagine my surprise when I showed up to my parents' house to pick up Lucas, only to realize he wasn't there.

You laugh, but I really felt like "Dad of the Year" at this point.

So if you want to know what the first few months are like:

1. Get a friend, and give them a watermelon.

2. Lay down.

3. Have them drop the watermelon on your head. Preferably right above the temple, so that it gives a good concussed feeling.

4. Repeat every day for four months.

Enjoy.