Facts They Never Told You #4

So, one thing everyone tells you that has kids is that they were also nervous before the child arrived. They were fearful that they would hurt it, raise it wrong, end up with some sort of Mike Tyson-child-eating-monster, etc. That is true. However, there is also another disturbing fact I have noticed (and I am going to get SO many people commenting/blasting me here, and well deserved):

When you are having a kid, everyone who has a kid has advice for you.

Lots of it.

And most of it conflicts the advice you heard an hour ago from someone else.

And this isn't exclusive to the parents of those awesome, smart, well-adjusted kids, either. I swear, if Mrs. Menendez was still alive (look up "Menendez brothers" if you are too young to catch the reference), she would be sitting around in a living room somewhere saying, "Well, what I learned was..."

Look, I am not just being "that guy" who is tossing stones faster than a pitching machine designed by The Road Runner. I have caught myself doing it. And if you know me, you know that I have about as much business giving parenting advice as Chris Brown has of giving "caring spouse" lessons. Somehow, it just happens.

Prime example: A couple of friends have a little guy who seems to be very colicky. Lucas was a bit colicky. So here I am, telling these poor people what they need to do, and that they should give everyone else the ol' one-finger salute if they differ from our opinion. Only to realize later that when my wife and I were going through that phase with him, we would look at him and say stupidly, "I don't know what else to do!"

So, just because I am a huge fan of irony, here's my advice:

1. Get a sandwich board. If you don't know what that is, then just get a really big sign to hang around your neck.

2. Write this message: "Yes, I am having a child. No, I don't have any questions. I took a test, and found out I will be the perfect parent. But thank you for caring."

3. Be sure to wear said sign--ESPECIALLY around family events--until your youngest child gets a Nobel Peace Prize, or at the very least, receives a diploma from Harvard.